Crucial Conversations is a book about having improved dialogue when emotions run high. These conversations happen among neighbors and coworkers, with bosses and spouses, and in many of life's situations. The authors lay out good reasons why you would want to engage in dialogue and keep lines of communication flowing. They go over common pitfalls and explain some techniques that can help you keep your focus on the objective so that you don't fall into these pitfalls.
The section that I felt most impactful for me at this time is about sucker's choices and the stories we tell ourselves.
A sucker's choice is when we tell ourselves there is no possibilty of agreement so we have two bad choices: just clam up or say abrasive things that aren't going to help dialogue. Because this book laid out so clearly this common behavior I quickly identified my weaknesses. I know I choose to clam up when I don't think there is any other way to be honest. Here is a quote from the book:
"Sometimes we choose personal safety over dialogue. Rather than add to the pool of knowledge and make waves along the way we go to silence. We are so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict that we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation. We choose, at least in our minds, peace over conflict."
Thankfully, the authors have some helpful skills to practice implementing so that you catch yourself and stop making sucker's choices. They also make a convincing case on why this behavior is not in anyone's best interest. Clamming up and not sharing your meaning does not equal peace. Focusing on the shared goal and being more creative is the key. You must find a way to engage and also be understanding.
The other part of the book that I found so helpful at this time is the section about the stories we tell ourselves. We come up with stories about why someone did or said something. This story is not a fact and the sooner we realize that the better we can try to understand the other person. Ask the other person and be curious instead of assigning assumed motives. It is also very useful to get the other person's story and hear what meaning they are assigning to your actions. Not to say that their story is the fact of the matter but so that you can see where they are coming from and understand why they are treating you like... (fill in the blank,.. the villain, the oppressor, the fool, etc..)
None of these skills will help if you have no interest in keeping an open dialogue with another party. Engaging in dialogue and seeing the value in having dialogue is the whole point of this book. I feel that there is a lot of good information in this book and that I have only scratched the surface. There are chapters on decision making, and how to make sure that all parties feel safe to share their opinions, and so on and so forth. As I get better at using these initial skills I will need to revisit this book and try to add to my skill set.
